Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
