so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
