Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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