God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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