wrigley field is MILF paradise
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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