2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
