Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
