Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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