Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
