Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
