He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
