I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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