I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
