I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
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