If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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