Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
