Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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