yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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