Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
