if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
