O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
