Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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