But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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