I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
