Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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