theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
