I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
