I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
