he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
