I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Someone shit on the floor
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
