I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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