Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
