i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
