so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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