I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
