He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
