the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
