he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
