Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
