you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
