i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yo dont text me then not text me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
