so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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