I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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