I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
