every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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