Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
