I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
two words...techno handjob
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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