He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
