you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
