It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
