You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
